ON AN INTRODUCTORY VISIT to the child's home

 

ON AN INTRODUCTORY VISIT to the child's home

(methods for children in dealing with loss)

 

Send in advance:

 

1. Information about bereavement counseling for children aged 4 - 12 in the event of divorce (see below)

 

2. The work plan for dealing with loss for children aged 4 to 12 (see below)

 

3. The intake form with the symptoms of grief and loss (see below)

 

Bring along:

 

1. Questionnaire for parents (see below)

 

2. Mutt the cheeky crow, Carol Caterpillar who knows everything about changes, she will later become a butterfly, Longear the rabbit (hand puppet, who can be turned inside out to search for his feelings) and the wise gnome (finger puppet) who knows an answer to everything. ‘Put it on your finger and listen to what he says’ (inner child), and

 

3. A gift: Teddy Bear with bear power is going to visit. (thrift store and wash!)

 

 

Your child will be given a teddy bear during the intake interview, to help him/her remember that people are just as strong on the inside as a bear, have BEAR POWER, but that - due to the sadness during a difficult period - they do not think about it for a while.

 

ON AN INTRODUCTORY VISIT to the child's home

 

Ring the doorbell with Mutt the hand puppet. And speak on behalf of this bird......

 

Mutt: "Does a boy/girl live here whose parents are divorced?

 

I have brought a lady with me to talk to (the child) ........ about this event and what it means to you. Can we come in for a moment?"

 

The child is offered a bear, to remind her/him that she/he has just as much (inner) strength as the bear. Due to the sadness, the child cannot always access this strength, but the bear will help her/him with this.

 

Or

 

Ask if he/she also has a teddy bear. Who can comfort him/her, while he/she talks about difficult moments.

 

"I feel very sorry for you that your father and mother no longer can be together, now that you are still so young.

 

"Many children and adults find it difficult to talk about nasty things. It can just happen that you have to cry for a while, or that you can't talk any further. It is of course OK that you stop for a while and choose yourself when to continue.

 

If you want, I will help you, together with Beer, to get over your sadness and other nasty feelings. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we do something together, such as hanging your worries in the worry tree or crafting something."

 

 

Use Mutt’s squeak in his beak if something is wrong in the story, or if children want to add something. They can also use it to indicate that they want to continue themselves.

Perhaps tell something about your own losses. This can help to provide more safety and confidence to tell that strange lady or gentleman something.

If there are multiple children in one family (bring different types of bears to hand out, to let them choose), ask each child to tell their own story about how and what happened. Who did you hear it from. Because everyone experiences this in their own way.

In the meantime, the children can draw, or cuddle their stuffed animal. Or play with Mutt.

 

ASK THEM TO BRING A PHOTO OF THE PARENTS AND YOU CAN ALSO BRING A CUDDLY ANIMAL! Because we light a candle at the photos of those we love, but still can't see every day, even though we would like that the most.

 

A report is made of each conversation and, if necessary, a telephone conversation is held with a parent to discuss what stood out.

 

 

In the play therapy room: you can display a rug with various objects such as: a shell, statue of Mary, the mother of all mothers, Buddha with a backpack; wise gnome; beautiful stones (rock crystal and rose quartz are very popular), Mutt the crow, Longear the rabbit; a photo of your own mother or father (you are not the only one who misses someone), Carol caterpillar, worry dolls (World Shop), memory box: (a decorated shoe box), tear jar (with various types of small (coloured) glass/plastic stones as tears); a talking stick (in groups, the person with the talking stick in her/his hand may talk and everyone else must listen), worry tree, in which all worries can be hung, a white rose (symbol of universal love).

 

We light some candles at the photos of the child's parents.

 

 

 

Information about grief counseling for children between the ages of 4 and 12 during divorce

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Problems that can arise 

For children, life is experienced as a mess after a divorce of their father and mother. Sometimes a relocation is necessary. It helps to just let everything be what it is. Nothing is crazy or strange. This is their way of reacting. They do not have the insights and mature feelings that adults do have.

 

Children often postpone the processing of loss until they feel that they are physically and mentally safe. When things at home are back to normal and there is peace.

 

Children process a loss in pieces. Because they cannot yet allow the pain to be in its full intensity. They are also not able to deal with it for a long time. For adults, processing is by talking about it. Children communicate by playing.

 

Children can go into regression. That is to say, they go back to a period when it was still safe, in order to regain control of the newly created situation. This can manifest itself in wetting the bed again or sucking their thumb, or clinging to the parent left behind, for fear of losing her/him too.

 

They also do not want to be special or different from others. As a result, they do not often express their feelings, for fear of rejection. Furthermore, children want to spare their parent(s) grief, and thus act brave. There may then be a need to talk to someone who is more at a distant, or has nothing to do with it, such as a teacher, a good neighbor or a psychosocial worker, a grief and loss counselor.

 

Children between the ages of 5 and about 12 can develop a school phobia. The child then no longer dares to go to school, because it is afraid of losing someone again, or of leaving the parent left behind at home alone. Furthermore, they can regularly show irritability, crying fits, and behavioral problems.

 

Other problems that may occur: poor concentration, forgetfulness, poor sleep, nightmares, nasty thoughts, stomach aches, headaches, not wanting or being able to eat, separation anxiety, closing off, not playing anymore, talking, tantrums, isolating themselves.

 

Or bullying their brother/sister, screaming, being the clown in class. These problems can occur long after the divorce has taken place, so that the connection with this fact is not immediately made.

 

Questions that children may have:

 

1. Is it my fault? Could I have done something about it. No negative thought or negative behavior of a child can cause the divorce of parents.

 

2. Who is going to take care of me now? Often family members are involved in their own loss process, so that the parent and brothers/sisters are less available for the most sensitive child. Sometimes parents have to work more to make ends meet. Provide good care and explain to whom the child can go to in case of emergency.

 

Avoiding thoughts or feelings or suppressing talks prolong the grieving process.

 

It is important to acknowledge all feelings. There are no wrong or bad feelings. Being jealous is also just human. Feelings only become scary when we pretend they are not there, when we keep them secret.

 

Grief and pain are part of life. Grief is not an illness, but a natural reaction to loss. It is a task for adults to teach children to live life. You realize that you are also vulnerable and are then being addressed on your own insecurities. With all your love, you cannot protect children in your environment from grief and pain. But we can share pain. Grief can be a natural part of life. But it does not immediately take away safety. We must give children the confidence that tears will be dried, not forever, but always again.

 

On this blog I offer you a number of possibilities to make your children happy and cheerful again. Children are flexible. However, if signals persist for a longer period of time, and you have done everything in your power, then go to someone who specializes in grief counseling and loss processing. To overcome hurt feelings and nasty thoughts, and to prevent further problems in the future.

 

Signs to seek help if for a longer period of time:

 

1. your child looks sad

 

2. your child cannot simply relax

 

3. your child increasingly wants to be alone

 

4. your child has difficulty sleeping or falling asleep

 

5. your child does not want to go to school

 

6. your child does not feel like doing hobbies

 

7. your child pays less attention to her/his appearance and clothing

 

Healing

What you as a parent/caregiver can do immediately is to give your child a photo of the departed parent. It gives the child a sense of connection with her/his departed loved one and if this parent is missed, he/she is a little closer and will not be forgotten.

 

 

PS: It is always important to eat and drink well; especially during a period of mourning I advise you to pay extra attention to this. A mourning process with all the emotions and worries takes away a lot of energy. Lots of fresh vegetables and fruit in particular give extra energy! When having little appetite, consider taking a vitamin pill.

 

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For the  parents:

 

Help for children of divorced parents

 

Introduction

 

Children grieve in pieces. Children only grieve when the situation at home is more stable. Grief/loss symptoms such as those described below sometimes only appear after one or two years. Often the parents and teachers are no longer aware that these are related to a divorce that occurred a few years ago.

 

The connection between both mother and father is important for the child's happiness in adulthood.

 

Quality comes before quantity. An hour a week of full attention for a child can do more than being home every day, but giving your child little or no attention.

 

A loving relationship with both parents

Divorce affects children to their very core, even when they are almost adults. Scars are almost always left behind. When raising children, it is not so much about protecting them from pain - something that is simply impossible - but about ensuring that they are not hurt too deeply. If parents, environment and care providers focus on the interests of the children, the damage can often be considerably limited. A child who is given the opportunity to maintain a loving relationship with both parents after the divorce, offers the best chance of healing. The ability of parents to work together largely determines whether the children adapt to the divorce.

 

Complete or broken families is not what it is really about. In every family there can be parental support, nurturing, consistent discipline, good communication and predictability (structure). Grandfathers and grandmothers can also be a great support for their grandchildren.

 

For children who feel understood, divorce does not have to be stagnation, but becomes a growth process.

 

 

The reactions of the parents largely determine the course of the divorce process. Both parents and children must be given the opportunity to process their emotions. By sharing them with others, they can be given a place, which results in personal growth.

 

Talking, respect, telling the truth

An important starting point is that the parents talk to their children about the divorce, whereby eye contact or touching are important. This is a condition for children to process the divorce.

 

Talking to the children is of great importance. Caroline Eliacheff (1995) works as a psychoanalyst in a children's home in Paris. She treats small children who have fallen victim to a disturbed family life, which manifests itself in functional disorders. Living in tormenting uncertainty about the future is devastating for the vitality of children and leads to all kinds of physical discomfort. The children are still too young to be able to speak. She also uses language in her treatment to get to the core of the problems and to then come to healing. She speaks to the children as she would to adults: with respect and compassion for the individuals who are her patients. The words are direct, not to offer comfort, and even less to make everything right again, but to symbolize the suffering by reordering the events. Her method works: apparently a psychological structuring takes place when one tells children the truth about their lives through language. What she says that applies to the very youngest, applies to all ages in my opinion. My advice is therefore to keep talking to the children. They want to be reassured again and again. But also to adults about everything that is still bothering you. Don't make a murder pit out of your heart. And don't suppress feelings, we just have them. And they have a warning function. By sharing them with others, they can be processed.

 

Attention:

Children of divorced parents need double the attention and love and often only get a quarter! because the parents have to process their emotions themselves. What can you offer them in advance to support them:

 

Fear: Prepare children for fearful situations: what would you do if you cannot find your mother in the supermarket.

 

In case of aggression: sports or a hobby can offer a solution.

 

Sadness: The support of the parents is crucial for the way in which children adapt during and after the divorce.

 

Arguments: The worst thing for children is for arguments between the parents that continue after the divorce has become a fact. Do not involve them in conflicts. Seek help yourself if you cannot emotionally detach yourself. If you want your children to grow up as balanced people, it is essential that they can remain loyal to both parents.

 

Upbringing: preference is given to an authoritative upbringing, based on three principles:

1. which behavior is allowed and which is not.

2. telling what the consequences are if the rules are broken.

3. a good parent sticks to the rules.

Especially after the divorce, children need clearer boundaries, and parents become more inconsistent in their upbringing.

Reward positive behavior. Children want to be appreciated. It gives them self-confidence.

A child who misbehaves should be ignored as much as possible. The negative behavior is then not rewarded and will disappear by itself. Show them that you love them!

4. do not favor one child over the other (two against one) and do not give a child the space to boss over a brother / sister.

 

Reunion fantasies: Masked attempts to reunite their parents include stealing, fighting, skipping school or getting sick. Explain clearly that mom and dad will not get back together.

 

Jealousy: among children. It is common for one child to be favored over the other. This is disastrous for the child who receives less positive attention. He or she will start to hate themselves. Depression later in life is lurking. Make sure that all children receive the same amount of love and respect, even though one child may be easier to deal with than the other!

 

Boy/girl: Boys in particular often have to be brave and not allowed to cry, but they also have feelings, just like girls. Give boys in particular, who often do not experience their father as a role model every day, enough attention.

It can be a heavy burden for a boy to hear that he is now "the man" in the house.

It can be a heavy burden for children if the parents discuss all the problems with their children.

Please let them remain children.

 

Safety: Having children wear different layers of clothing gives them a sense of protection. Make sure they are dressed warmly enough, and don't have cold feet.

The amount of harmony or disharmony children encounter with their parents after the divorce, is crucial to their long-term adjustment.

 

Food: Don't skip breakfast. Children sometimes sit in school shaking due to malnutrition and can then concentrate poorly! Provide a healthy lunch if they stay during lunchtime. (Fruit, vegetables, nuts, seeds)

 

Music: can ease a lot of suffering for children.

 

Diary for the children: they can write down / write off what life brings.

 

Letting go and moving on

Recovering from a loss means restoring self-respect, restoring continuity and restoring faith in the meaning of life. Intense emotions must be endured and shared with others in order to find a place (anger, sadness, guilt, shame). Overcoming sadness results in personal growth. Many years later, children are aware that they have come to experience life more intensely, precisely because of the loss they have suffered.

 

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Hints for children of divorced parents

 

· Sometimes a pet can be a comfort to children.

 

· One thing never changes. Your mother will always be your mother and your father will always be your father, even if your parents get divorced.

 

· Sometimes a father and mother just don't get along. It's really not your fault if they get divorced. Divorce is something that grown-ups effectuate.

 

· When your parents get divorced, it's important to take good care of yourself. A good way to help yourself is to choose a special person - not one of your parents - to talk to, e.g. a sister, brother, aunt, uncle, grandpa or grandma, neighbor, teacher, social worker.

 

· When your father and mother get divorced, it's still good to have fun. What would you like to do with your mother? What would you like to do with your father?

 

· Talk to someone (a classmate) whose parents are already divorced.

 

· If you want to be hugged or kissed, you may ask for it. You don't always have to do something nice for it.

 

· If you are angry, you can punch your pillow hard. Or kick a ball or a cardboard box outside. Or tear up old newspapers. Or squeeze clay. Or chew gum. Or throw rolled up socks against the "angry wall", your bedroom door where you have stuck a note on why you are angry and throw it hard against it, while shouting what you have written on the paper. That will make you feel better!

 

· Don't be afraid to cry, sometimes you feel better after you have cried. Even fathers and mothers have to cry sometimes!

 

· Tell your parents what you think about it. You can always talk to your parents. You can also talk to your brothers or sisters or friends.

 

· Even if it is not a comfort, you are not the only child who has divorced parents. One in three marriages ends in divorce.

 

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Together, go through the completed list of grief and loss symptoms that was sent to you in advance.

 

 

INTAKE LIST GRIEF AND LOSS SYMPTOMS

 

 

Children grieve in pieces and often postpone their processing of the loss until the situation at home is more stable. For example, one or two years after the divorce, the symptoms below may occur, with which that connection is often no longer made!

 

Would you please tick the feelings and symptoms on the list below that you have observed in your child since the loss?

 

Emotional:

 

0 Disbelief / numb                       0 shows no feelings

 

0 Confused / panic                      0 physical pain

 

0 Fear                                        0 guilt

 

0 Sad                                         0 acceptance

 

0 Angry                                 0 wants to be small(er) again

 

0 Feeling of not having control 

0..............................

 

0 Feeling of having to take care of others 

0 ..............................

 

0 Feels guilty when having fun              

0 ..............................

 

 

Physical:

 

0 Tired / lack of energy             0 Sleeping problems

 

0 Wants to sleep more              0 Lack of appetite

 

0 Shortness of breath               0 Wants to eat all the time

 

0 Feeling like throat is closed     0 Nervousness

 

0 Screaming                             0 Stomach ache

 

0 Eczema / rash / itching          0 Hyperactive/restless

 

0 Cannot concentrate               0 Headache

 

0 Bedwetting                                     

0 ..............................

 

Behavior:

 

0 Needs parent(s) more         0 Wants to sleep with parent(s)

 

0 Does not want to be separated from parent 

0 Does not want to go to school

 

0 Argues with parent(s) / others    

0 Feels sick more often

 

0 Is cruel to animals                    

0 ..............................

 

0 Breaks things                          

0 ..............................

 

0 Needs help with tasks that he/she can usually do himself/herself

 

0 Does not play with other children

 

0 Withdraws

 

0 Talks about wanting to die

 

Addition / Comment: ...........................................................................

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WORK PLAN FOR CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS

 

(also possible at primary schools as a theme week / month) 

 

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Introduction

When children go through a difficult period in their lives, and are acknowledged by the adults in their immediate environment in their difficult feelings, that in itself gives them some relief. It makes them aware that love is available in a larger circle, than just within the family.

 

But where they can cope with during their whole life, is when we provide them with tools, with which they can put themselves in their power. This allows them to face their life tasks with self-confidence.

 

Before starting this project, it is advisable to inform the parent(s), so that they are not surprised when their child(ren) come home with additional questions about the divorce. The effect is even greater when children feel taken seriously and know that they are supported on all sides.

 

Before you lies a work plan, suitable for working with children of divorced parents. What is printed in italics is information for the care provider, parent, other family member or teacher, which is not spoken. I have printed the questions that should be asked in bold.

 

It is wise to read the theme day to be discussed carefully in advance. Choose what you want to discuss on that day and what suits you as a caregiver or teacher.

 

The work plan consists of six parts, which can be worked out in six different days. Because there is a sequence, it is advisable to start at day one and continue working in that way.

 

A supporting craft is made on each day. With the attention provided, we give the children the confidence that tears are dried, not forever, but always again.

 

Day 1: What does a divorce actually mean?

Goal: Accepting the divorce, that it can no longer be reversed. Mom and dad will never live together again. And also acknowledging the chaos that arises in the minds of children and the wave of unpleasant emotions that it brings with it.

 

Talking about the divorce brings order to the confusing thoughts of children.

 

It is a relief to be able to talk openly about difficult thoughts and feelings.

 

Together we make a worry tree or a worry doll.

 

And we ask the children what their worries are. Behind every worry there is always a wish. The children can then express these wishes. As many as they want.

 

Day 2: Making feelings visible and experiencing them to heal them

Goal: Recognizing difficult feelings that can occur after the divorce.

Feelings are simply there. Feelings have a function and tell us to pay attention, something has happened to me that I need to look at.

Children often do not yet have words for feelings. By making feelings such as sadness, anger, fear and pain visible and sharing them with each other, they can be processed better.

The children make a feeling mask and gain insight into the fact that on the inside, with all your feelings, you look very different than you can see on the outside.

 

Day 3: Further working with feelings

Goal: By looking at the unpleasant feelings and working them through, they can also be released, which heals the child again.

 

It is wonderful for children to throw as hard as they can, while shouting why they are so incredibly angry.

A dream- and unpleasant thought catcher can be made. And an instruction manual, which can be hung up at home, so that everyone knows what you need when you are sad, for example.

 

Day 4: Adjusting to a single-parent family

Goal: The separation is a fact and will have a place in the lives of the children.

 

Nasty feelings and nice feelings belong together. Sometimes you are a bit sad, then again one or two bits cheerful and pleasant. Memories are your treasures to always keep.

We make a 'treasure chest' in which we put all our different memories.

 

A stone with the most beautiful thought of the person who has left, belongs there. When you take that stone in your hand and think of daddy or mommy, then you are a bit closer to each other again.

 

Day 5: Making new friends

Goal: The future is being explored. The child can continue living with new vitality.

 

Life goes on. Mom and dad can find a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

The visualization of a golden sun can give you light and warmth in dark times that you sometimes really need.

 

Day 6: is a return day

 

Goal: About half a year after day 5, the dots are put on the i’s on more time. An inner journey, linked to a piece of forgiveness can bring a lot of healing.

 

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Review questionnaire together

 

Questions for the parent(s) to gain better insight into the loss process (if applicable)

________________________________________________________

 

1. What kind of child is ……………………………? What are her/his complaints?

 

2. How did you grow apart as parents?

 

3. When did you start living apart?

 

4. How long did the process of breaking up last?

 

5. Were there often arguments before the divorce?

 

6. Are the arguments over now, or are they still happening?

 

7. Has there been violence in the family?

 

8. How did you tell the children?

 

9. Was your child involved in the relocations of (one of) the parents

 

10. What agreements have been made regarding co-parenting or visiting arrangements?

 

11. Are these agreements being honored?

 

12. How far along are you in your own processing of loss?

 

a. Have you picked up the thread of life again?

 

b. Have you started working more?

 

c. Are you satisfied with the current situation?

 

d. What does the family situation look like for both parents? (blended family?)

 

e. Are you open to or is there a new relationship?

 

possibly

13a. Is there a grandmother or aunt or a friend, school teacher who can take over some of the female guidance (staying overnight or going out for a day)?

 

or

 

13b. Is there a grandfather or uncle or a friend, school teacher who can take over some of the male guidance (staying overnight or going out for a day)?

 

possibly

14. Are the grandparents of your father and mother still alive?

It would be nice if they could tell your children about their father and mother when they were little.

Being able to reminisce with a photo album. Old toys from daddy/mommy.

 

15. What have you already done to deal with loss and/or support your children? (books from the library?)

a. How is the relationship between the parents, respectful, friendly, or distant?

b. Does your child posses a photo of the parent who left?

c. What do you do on Father's Day/Mother's Day – recalling nice memories?

d. What do you do on your child's birthday?

e. What do you do on the holidays?

 

16. Does your child have physical complaints? Does he/she eat well, sleep well? What exercise does he/she do?

Is he/she healthy, does he/she take medication?

 

17. I think it is important that your other child(ren)…….. is/are also involved in the processing process. Prevention is better than cure. Would you consider whether he/she can come along. They can then talk about it together, and also come out stronger together.

 

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Inquire if there are any more questions and set a date to start the grief counseling.

 

Google for children's mandalas, among others http://users.pandora.be/vanhovensiemons

Children mandalas: https://www.bing.com/search?q=children+mandalas&FORM=FTSBRD&PC=FT02

 

 

Good luck with the children.

 

Should there be signals that you think need to be extra looked at, consult with the parents to seek specialized help for grief processing and grief counseling.

 

P.S.: If children do NOT want to talk, they can also write down what happened.

 

Or make a drawing (paste, cut, color) about it. Or both.